i’ve always wondered…
been digging deep as of late, past the conscious to the unconscious, into my childhood, the cosmos, gaia & universe. beyond the ego, the many characters that i have played throughout the years, past the labels, the rules and blocks that have been placed by others. cutting cords with the past that have been heavily weighing on my shoulders, trying to understand why i have been searching for a feeling of home within all this time and yet never seem to find.
i feel like i have been traveling a long road where a deep need to keep trekking gnaws at my heart and yet the sight that i so desperately try to seek seems to keep slipping through my hands every time i think i’ve finally grasped it.
for as long as i can remember, i felt strange, like an outsider looking in, an outcast never quite being able to march to societal drumming of rat-tat-tat. the beat of my drum seemed off beat, almost avant-garde yet instead of being deemed as a trailblazer, dismissed with labels of being too sensitive, non-existent, overly cognitive and outright insane.
& yet, i knew in my heart, my soul, my spirit, my every being that there must be an answer to all of this so-called “insanity”. when asked what the answer might be, i could not reply as at that time, i myself didn’t know exactly what it was that i was looking for. after many years of cover ups, pretending & masquerading, i lost touch with even how to connect back to the essence of my being or what that even meant.
but after two years, i finally see what it is that i was in search of & all this time the answer was sitting quietly within waiting to be discovered once again.